The Shallow End

Masculinity the anti friend zone.

2010-04-26T02:24:00.000-07:00

Guys I'm going to tell a story. It's a story that most of you have been the main character in, or at the very least, you've known some of the main characters. It begins like this. Your friend calls you up and says "hey man. Moe's for lunch?" And of course you agree because you love Moe's. You're sitting there munchin your JC when this wavy haired beauty adorned with Ray-Bans walks in. You look up and echoing the Moe's robots you think to yourself, "Welcome to moes indeed." But then to your surprise she sits down at your table. "Omg Craig! I haven't seen you in forever." She knows your bro man Craig. "Oh hey dude this is Callie. We were in the same freshman experience class." You extend your hand for the typical dead fish girl shake, when you notice a living fish tat on her wrist. So you're crushing a little bit. I mean she's pretty hot and that rebellious yet conservative Christian tat adds to her mystique. After a bit of chatting she leaves. As she walks away you catch Craig's eye and reading your mind he says "I know right?"

The weekend rolls by and Monday morning you notice Callie is in your class. Mostly because she came and sat next to you. She seemed to enjoy your company and you take this as an invite to sit with her on Wednesday. Pretty soon sitting with her becomes a routine thing, and you're feeling like a total boss. Then one night at RUF Callie drops a total bomb on you, "Hey we should study anatomy this week." You briefly panic and you're thinking, "Ha. Yeah we should." You play it all cool though and swap numbers.

For a few days you find yourself daydreaming about going to her house, telling that perfect joke, and when there is a lull in her laughter smooching that chick something serious. Unfortunately the sexual tension you believed would turn a study session into a make out session never coalesces. In fact you end up going to the library with her and that guy who is always dipping in class. All hope isn't lost though. Since you two traded numbers she has been texting you quite frequently. You're always happy to talk to her, and you tend to be a good listener anyway. She picks up on this and unloads problems on you all the time. You become her go to guy when that test was "so hard" or when the day just isn't going her way. Now you're thinking this is moving along smoothly. I mean just a few more humidity hair, dropped cell phone, professor was a jerk to me conversations and you're in right? If the universe was fair sir you'd be right, but Callie is about to do the worst of the worst to you. "Thanks so much for talking to me. Gosh you're like a brother to me." Oh excuse me she called you what? That's right man. A brother. How many brothers has she ever dated? Zero.

Where did you go wrong? What happened? You did all the right things. You helped her with her studies, you were her problem solver, and in general you were a good friend. I will agree that these are good things, but you made a critical error early on. You let Callie be in control of the whole thing. You never once became dangerous. You never became a threat to her. There was never a time when as a man you put your foot down and said, "Hey, listening to you is great, but right now you're going to shut up and I'm going to kiss you." You passively stood back and let her emasculate you. She formed an opinion of you that was devoid of masculinity. You were a great listener, but never someone she could date because you weren't a man and she only dates men. Callie is the type of girl that needs a challenge. She might for a time enjoy controlling you, but after a while you're just a toy. The only way you can fix this situation is to commit an act that you can't recover from. You have to put yourself out there in a way that she understand your intentions. Tickle her or something and then just go for it. Sounds crazy but it works for some people. Right Dobbs? If she shoots you down at least you have some dignity in the fact that you stood up for your manhood.

Now I've come up with an analogy about all this. It makes a lot of sense in my head, but I don't know that it totally works. You hear people talk about how they should eat healthy food all the time. You know in your head that for breakfast you should be eating fruits and bran cereal. You make plans to eat healthy and you genuinely think you want to. Honestly though, what would you rather eat? Bacon. Lots of bacon and maybe a giant waffle. This is how girls approach dating. (Stay with me here. I know this is ridiculous) Often times girls talk about how they want a sensitive boy, and I think they genuinely believe that. What they really want though is a man. They may talk about how salads are so good for them, but what they really want for dinner is the kickin chicken sandwich. I can hear you girls complaining. "Uh no way Lee. I can't eat that greasy thing all the time." This is a good point. If you are too much man it will make her sick. I suggest becoming the Turkey Wrap at Amsterdam. Chicks love this sandwich because on the surface it appears healthy, but they cover the thing in honey mustard. Take a cue from the T-Wrap bro. Let her know that you can be sensitive, but make sure she understands that at any moment the man in you might kiss her and she's going to like it.

Pre Post

2010-04-01T21:59:00.000-07:00

I've been starting these last few posts with a little introduction, and why should this one be any different?So, I'm writing a pre-post if you will. I've got some stuff I'd like to splain before we get rolling here. I've started writing the "one of the guys" post at least five times. Every time I get something up on the screen I begin to hate it. Mostly because I realized I don't know much about females and I'm not sure why I thought I could write a series of posts explaining them to other males. "Oh but Lee your last post was so good. You like totally get girls" No, shut up. Let me put it this way. For the past 22 years I've seen the sun rise and set everyday. I know tomorrow around 7 when I get up the sun will be there, and late tomorrow while I'm frying chicken it's going to set again. Now, I do not "get" the sun, but it didn't take me very long to notice a pattern. I'd like to thank ol G.K. for that analogy. You might be thinking, "Well hold on pal. If girls were as predictable as the sun I'd have bagged at least 2 or 3 by now." Good point. I'm glad you brought that up because I wasn't sure how to make this next transition. Girls are dynamic. Each one may approach or respond to situations differently, but there are some patterns to be picked up on. So, I think metaphorically throwing your hands in the air, and declaring you "just can't understand women" is an easy way out. It's fun culturally to act as if women are completely unknowable, but it's a mind set that will get you plenty of time in the dog house or on the couch. Whichever trouble with the old lady phrase you prefer. Who knows, I'll probably be in my fifties sleeping on the couch and realize that I still don't know anything about females, but at least I made an attempt. Ok so, why did I just write a pre-post on patterns? I'll tell you why sir. I've noticed a pattern of girls misinterpreting innocent statements as something malicious. This next post is about friendship and I want every girl reading this to know; just because we aren't dating does not mean I resent you as a friend. Unless of course, I wish we were dating and you've got me locked in the friend zone. (I'd like to thank Ross Geller for popularizing that term.) Expect part 2 in the next few days.

Warning Signs

2010-03-04T12:56:00.000-08:00

Guys, last time I gave you some advice on what I deemed to be a serious mistake in attracting the females, and after receiving some compliments on my post I feel pretty confident in that advice. So, in the next few posts I'm going to continue in the John Madden style commentating. It's going to be a little different though. Instead of giving you proactive advice I'm going to give you a few things to avoid. By "things" I mean dangerous, dangerous females; females who want to drain the very soul from your body. I'm giving you this advice because these women can be hard to spot. They're like a succubus wrapped in jeggings with an Ugg boot fur trim, but don't be fooled young soldier these women are more deadly than a bear with chainsaw hands.

Miss Perma-girlfriend

You know this girl. She has had a boyfriend since 5th grade, right after Ralph got his cootie shot and laid one on her. She jumps from relationship to relationship and if she isn't in one; you can believe she's looking for the next "one." And oh joy! You could be Mr. 22 on her list. Doesn't that just sound appealing? "Ah but Lee" you say, "she's super cute man. She's got this awesome black and white profile pic and she listens to my favorite band the obscures." Well first of all, that band sucks and of course she's cute dude. She has to be at least moderately attractive to pull off the perma-girlfriend. Plus, the last guy fell for her pop art pictures and look where he ended up. "Well Mr. 21 wasn't me. That guy was a total dweeb, and he played way too much Call of Duty." Oh really? You think the UMP45 was the problem? Well sir I'm going to let you in on a little secret, and I mean this in the most cliche way possible. It's not you it's her. This chick isn't remotely interested in the boys she dates. She is totally self absorbed. She isn't comfortable with herself and she needs a boyfriend to make her feel adequate. There is nothing you can do that will make this girl happy. Listen bro, I know how awesome you are. I mean you're a guy and lets be honest we are pretty awesome, but she has some deep longings you could never fill. You're basically just a roll of duct tape she is going to plaster all over her life. If you know anything about fixing things with duct tape then you'll know it takes a lot of stinkin' duct tape. Eventually that roll is going to be used up. See what I'm getting at?

Text Love

2010-02-07T20:27:00.000-08:00

I'm going to preface this post with a little warning.

Taking dating advice from someone who is not dating could be hazardous to your interactions with the opposite sex.

I figured I should at least caution my readers. Seeing as how I'm not dating anyone you might think I don't know much, and while this is true; I'd like to point out that John Madden never played football professionally, but has commentated on it for 30 years. He even has a football video game named after him. So, I feel moderately qualified to state a few observations about dating. I must admit though this piece of advice is not entirely my own. I get most of my ideas from Jared Lacroix, and generally I can get away with claiming them as my own since we live 3 hours apart.

Like most guys I become a babbling idiot in the presence of an attractive female, and by attractive I don't just mean she's got a smokin' bod. I mean she has the whole thing going on. The "whole thing" varies from bro to bro, but for me intelligence, sarcasm, and similar tastes go a long way. For instance I may find a female visually appealing, but if my simple jokes are going over her head and her favorite movie is Crossroads; then talking to her becomes more of a game than anything else. By the way, I'm not going to apologize if your favorite movie is Crossroads. On the other hand, the whole thing girl makes me a nervous wreck. This nervousness usually surfaces as not being able to say anything or sometimes it surfaces as saying way too much. Either way it becomes very difficult to exude the confidence it generally takes to attract the whole thing girl. "Ok great Lee, you've told us how you like intelligent girls. Way to make yourself look so deep. Stop pandering and give us the advice." Here it is bro dogs. Stop texting her. You know that three day conversation you've been having via text? Quit it. If you want any future with this chick you'll put an end to the texting. Why? Because it's a cop out. It's an escape from manning up and actually talking to her face to face. Rejection is a scary thing, and texting allows you to communicate without consequences. Well, at least any initial consequences. You're building a text based relationship, and this refers to most non physical interactions like face chat. The problem with this relationship is the false image you get of this female. When you read her text you get to place any kind of tone or meaning on the words that you want. You start thinking that you're getting along very well, but you aren't even interacting. Texting allows you to craft the perfect message. You could spend several minutes thinking up the wittiest response to her every question, but it's not witty if you had to google "how to have a witty conversation." (Step 2 is pretty hilarious) Once you've built the text relationship it becomes difficult to interact in real life. The awkward silences that must be filled in real life don't exist in the text world. When you hang out in real life you're going to be disappointed, maybe even frustrated because she isn't the same person you've been texting. Mainly because that person doesn't exist. You've crafted a view of this girl that she may not be able to live up to in person.

Dudes, texting should be a supplemental flirting tool only. Occasionally send her a message about that totally hilarious conversation you had the other night. But you can only do that if you actually had the conversation. I'm preaching to myself when I say this, but it's time to get courageous and ask her to hang out for realz.

He can only get away from death by continually stepping within an inch of it. A soldier surrounded by enemies, if he is to cut his way out, needs to combine a strong desire for living with a strange carelessness about dying. He must not merely cling to life, for then he will be a coward, and will not escape. He must not merely wait for death, for then he will be a suicide, and will not escape. He must seek his life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; he must desire life like water and yet drink death like wine.

Fake Love

2009-11-19T11:07:00.000-08:00

So recently Ryan, Alex, and I were hanging out. We were having all kinds of fun lots of laughs and a good time was being had by all. Almost simultaneously we all realized that this should never end. This type of comraderie is once in a life time. So we came up with a plan. Marry each others' sisters. The following conversation is my first attempt at winning Logan Baker over.

Lee Reeves November 18 at 10:42pm

Dear Logan,

I’m writing you today with a proposal. Something that has been on my mind quite a while now. I think that you and I should date, and eventually be married. (I told you this was a proposal) Yes, I know this may come as a shock to you especially since we have not spoken in a while. However, I am very convinced this is the right decision, and hopefully by the end of this letter you will be too. I’ll start by reminding you that when you were in 7th grade we had the same chorus class. If you recall we often flirted during this class. Of course it was middle school, but one cannot deny the intense connection we shared. I know some where deep down you think about this from time to time. Obviously we’ve changed since then, but 21 is just 12 backwards only way better. For instance I no longer put gel in my hair, and if you like you could style my hair any way you want. I’ve also become a much less picky eater, and I’ll eat anything you bring home from your future culinary classes. I’ll even make you laugh while I eat it. Occasionally I make people laugh. Just imagine you’re having a hard day at school. That jerk, chef professor won’t cut you any slack, but when you get home I’ll devour that torta rustica and tell you a knock knock joke. Then, knowing you need a something fun to look forward to I’ll buy you and your girl friends Justin Nozuka tickets. I won’t even mind if you dance on stage with him as long as you agree to travel to Brazil with me in the summer. I know you love to travel, and so do I. I know what you’re thinking though, “Lee, how will you ever have the money for Nozuka tickets and Brazil?” Well Logan, I will have an excellent business degree after I graduate from Auburn. I know that money isn’t everything, but thats why I give a mean back scratch. Not to mention if you need some jewelry I have perfected the art of macaroni necklaces. I might even propose with a mac and cheese engagement ring. Then we could elope because true love shouldn’t be a show for the world, but we could shout out our love from the roof tops if we so desire. Now Logan I know you have to be thinking “Lee, this seems like the most perfect plan ever. What’s the catch?” I was afraid you would ask this, but I’m going to be honest with you. I am not actually in love with you. Recently Alex, Ryan (my roommate), and I were planning how we could hang out forever. We decided marrying each others sisters would be the perfect way to accomplish this. I understand this could be a deal breaker. Why would you want to be a with a guy who only pretends to love you? I’ll tell you why. Because eventually every guy will be pretending. When he realizes that, he might just leave, but since I’ve always known that I’m pretending I won’t leave. You will have someone who seems to care for you in a deep way forever. I promise you won’t be able to tell a difference. Think about it. I’ll always put up with the stuff that annoys me. I’ll apologize every time I’m wrong no questions asked. We can decorate the house any way you want. Basically you will have it all. Just say yes.

With (fake) love,
Lee Reeves

Logan Baker November 19 at 8:37am

Dear Lee,

While I appreciate the (fake) sentiments and the obvious thought you've put into this plan, I'm afraid I cannot accept your proposal. Instead of just blowing you off like most girls would, I will include substantial support in my argument against this idea us marrying.

In 7th grade, I was (trying) to flirt with Tyler McMullen. Megan Castleberry and I thought he was quite the "hottie," so I offer my deepest condolences for your misinterpretation of my juvenile attempts at capturing his interest.

As far as culinary school goes, I'm going for patisserie and baking, and I don't remember seeing meat-filled pastries in the curriculum; therefore, I will not be making torta rustica, and you would either have to go hungry or risk becoming diabetic after eating my sugary assignments each night. Going along with that, I think jokes are highly overrated. If you bought me tickets to see Justin Nozuka and he asked me to dance on stage with him, I'm pretty sure that would lead him to eventually propose to me, too. I would accept, and we would all have to move to Utah for that to work out. Utah is a little too cold for my taste, so I would end up leaving you pretty quickly and running away with Justin. Maybe we would even run away to Brazil, just for the sheer irony of it all.

When it comes to jewelry, I prefer turquoise. Everyone knows mac & cheese is not, nor will it ever be, turquoise. I know it's been said that if you like it you should put a ring on it, but what isn't often mentioned is that you can't put the ring on it if she doesn't like it. Make sense?

So even though I think your little plan is clever, I just don't think it's going to work out. It's so nice to know that no man will ever truly love me; Disney ruined that truth for me when I was little, and I guess the Bible lied to me as well. Thank you for your honesty.

And I hear our niece, Emerson, is still on the market. She's two, so you might have to work on potty-training her and teaching her not to eat her mac & cheese ring.

(Not) sincerely,
Logan Baker

P.S. you're kind of weird.

Dude no big deal

2009-05-06T21:06:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for Africa tomorrow. Yep yep yep. I'm going to be honest I don't fully comprehend how far I will be traveling. For instance I'm leaving Atlanta at 6:20 tomorrow evening, and I won't arrive in Timbuktu for another 36 hours. That totally overwhelms me. Ol google maps said I'll be traveling like 6000 miles. Ryan's room is maybe 50 feet from mine and most of the time that's way too far. Speaking of Ryan I promised that zubat this post would be funny. Seeing as how I might not update for a while, he and some others felt that this one should be particularly funny. The thing is I feel like I'm getting typecast. What if I want to do some serious roles one day? Like Robin Williams in One Hour Photo. I would make a great stalker. I'm more than just a pretty face and someone to laugh at you know. Oh and speaking of stalking, I found my new favorite show on tv. I happen to flip the channel from the murder mysteries on Oxygen (which totally rule) and I stumbled upon Everyday Italian hosted by Giada De Laurentiis. The woman is pulchritudinous, and to answer your question yes, I googled synonyms for beautiful. Stinking, I can barely microwave a hotdog, but I watched a whole episode of Everyday Italian. To answer your other question yes, I can cook Pasta Ponza now. I realize this is creepy, but I've come to terms with that. I think this crush is warranted though. Shes hot and she cooks what more could my little chauvinist self ask for? I mean, I will bring home the bacon if she'll cook it. Right, well on that awful note I might need to end this post. One last thing though, please please pray for us and for Timbuktu. Specifically pray that the people will be receptive to what we have to say, and pray that we don't mess anything up. I know God has some awesome things planned for the people and for our group.

Bacon wrapped bacon

2009-04-23T07:47:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love bacon. I just ate breakfast at Chef's Table in the student center, and I need to proclaim my love for bacon. Honestly how cool is breakfast? Breakfast has no problems with just handing you bacon and calling it a meal. Its like "Hello friend I love you, here is some bacon by itself." Lunch and dinner on the other hand think they're too good for solo bacon. They make you put it on a sandwich or even worse they make you eat bacon bits. Listen dinner I don't want bacon bits. I want huge slices of bacon in my salad with extra bacon on the side. Actually I don't even want the salad. I just want bacon wrapped in bacon smothered with a creamy bacon sauce.

Cardboard Cutout

2009-04-22T23:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I realize that last post doesn't really count as a post. It's just that I felt all guilty cause Karen and I hadn't hung out in 6 years. I figured I would just give the internetz a little somethin somethin. Anyway I'm going to try to write something for realz this time. I mean its the least I can do since I'm leaving for AFRICA IN TWO WEEKS. If you haven't spoken to me in a while you may not know that God provided me the opportunity to spend 2 weeks in the city of Timbuktu ministering to the people. Its gonna rawk. Pray for us and for the people. We are going to need lots and lots of prayer. All right so here comes the meat of my post-a-lost.

I'm making a cardboard cutout woman. I am officially the only single roommate in the apartment. Yes, you heard correct. The blog hasn't worked. It has got me a grand total of no dates. I mean don't get me wrong. I get compliments here and there about Karen. Its usually something like "Omg Lee you're blog is like so funny, but you never post." and I'm all like "Yeah snitch well thats cause I have better things to do." But its a total lie cause I don't ever do anything cool. Anyway the other day I was standing on the balcony and it became very apparent to me that I was single. Mainly cause Mason and Ryan were having a dad-gum cuddle fest with their respective female counterparts. By cuddle fest I mean they were just standing next to them, but they might as well have been slobbering serious face because I was only standing next to the wall. I decided this was unacceptable so I am going to make a cardboard cutout girlfriend. I figure this will make me feel adequate again, and provide me with someone to cuddle with during cuddle fest 2009. I haven't decided what she will look like yet. I was thinking Anna Benson, but honestly that might just be extra heart break since its only cardboard. I don't know, I might be open to a cardboard cutout girlfriend auction. The winner would get to be my cardboard girlfriend for a while. I would take her every where. Dates to the park and maybe to the bars downtown for a little dancin. Just think ladies I would treat your life size photo like royalty. She would be my cardboard princess. Well if you're interested just send me an email with your most beautiful picture and like 6 bucks. It probably costs that much to get one of these jokers.

A 1 in 4 chance

2009-04-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

If you were to take my Ipod and shuffle through the 2,600 songs I have on it you would have a 1/4 chance of getting a Lil Wayne song.

That it is all.

Victory tastes like waffle fries

2009-03-04T22:50:00.000-08:00

Just an update for you folks. Not that you're going to be surprised, but Ryan officially failed to beat my high score this evening. I would say that he put up a valiant effort, but he actually never beat the score that inspired him to take this bet. It was sad in a way, watching him struggle like that. You could just see the defeat in his eyes. He knew he could never beat me. Those waffle fries are going to be so good. They're going to taste like pwnage.

645,201,725

2009-02-25T23:51:00.000-08:00

Today my foolish roommate Ryan entered into a contract with me. A contract that is going to bring about severe public humiliation. I'm going to explain this contract, but first I'd like to give some background. Last semester I spent the best 6 dollars of my entire life. I spent it on a video game called Geometry Wars 2 Evolved. Sounds ridiculous I know, but it is crack cocaine in glorious, digital form. Once Geometry Wars has you in its grasp you will repeat the phrase "just one more time" over and over until you realize that you're failing two classes and your mother is worried that she hasn't heard from you in 3 weeks. It can become a serious problem fast. Geo Wars as we lovingly call it has 6 different game modes, and the most addicting mode is called Pacifism. In this mode you have to drive your spacecraft through these bars that have explosive tips. Once driven through the bars explode killing the enemies in the immediate vicinity. That's kind of hard to picture so I posted this video to give a better idea of what were playing.

Welp, after playing this game for a while I realized that I'm fairly good at it. For example my high score is 42.4 times higher than what that guy scored. My score is in the top 300 scores in the world. Please believe me though that I fully understand bragging about this is also in the top 300 lamest things in the world. Possibly top ten, but lets move on with the story. Yesterday Ryan recorded two scores that he was particularly proud of. He put up 115,000,000 and 200,000,000. I made a comment like, "Uh oh Ryan you're making me nervous." In actuality I was making fun of his n00b score, and was not in the least bit concerned; but for Ryan this was something different. He got a taste of glory, and for a moment he truly believed that he could beat my high score. For the rest of the day Ryan mulled this thought over in his head, and when we reconvened later that evening Ryan made a wager. Ryan in his hubris, bet in one week he could beat my high score, and if he did beat my high score; I would have to buy him a #1 combo from Chik-frickin-fil-a. If he failed however, he would have to buy me the #1 combo. I quickly agreed and wrote up a contract confirming our agreement and forever sealing his fate. Heres a copy of our contract.

Chik-for-frickin-a Geo Wars bet

This day, Thursday, February 26th 2009 Ryan Courtney and Lee Reeves enter into a contract stating that if Ryan Courtney exceeds Lee Reeves' current Geometry Wars high score of 645,201,725 Lee Reeves will buy a #1 combo for him. Nothing more than a #1 combo. No shake or brownie. It shall also be regular sized. If however Ryan Courtney does not exceed this score he will buy Lee Reeves a regular sized #1 combo. Additionally the loser will wear a white shirt with the opponents winning score written on it. This shirt will be worn to chik-fil-a. Furthermore Ryan and Lee enter into a side contract with Olivia Spears. If Olivia records a score of 5,000,000 Ryan and Lee will buy her a brownie. If she fails she must buy Ryan and Lee a brownie. These scores must be met by March 5th at 12am Central Standard time.

Ryan Courtney

2009-02-23T11:33:00.000-08:00

Today Ryan my roommate was listening to Lil Jon and dem Eastside Boys very very loud. Alone.

Better than the one before

2009-02-19T22:13:00.000-08:00

I just finished this book. Its called The Reason for God by Timothy Keller. I finished it today while I was at work, and the last section of the book moved me. I was going to write about all this stuff going through my head, but I couldn't put it to words. So, I'm just going to post it, and let you read it.

God did not create us to get the cosmic joy of mutual love and glorification, but to share it. We were made to join in the dance. If we will center our lives on Him, serving Him not out of self-interest, but just for the sake of who he is, for the sake of his beauty and glory, we will enter the dance and share in the joy and love He lives in. We were designed, then, not just for belief in God in some general way, nor for a vague kind of inspiration or spirituality. We were made to center our lives upon Him, to make the purpose and passion of our lives knowing, serving, delighting, and resembling Him. This growth in happiness will go on eternally, increasing unimaginably (1 Corinthians 2:7-10).
This leads to a uniquely positive view of the material world. The world is not, as other creation accounts would have it, an illusion, the result of a battle among the gods, nor the accidental outcome of natural forces. It was made in joy and therefore is good in and of itself. The universe is understood as a dance of beings united by energies binding yet distinct, like planets orbiting stars, like tides and seasons, "like atoms in a molecule, like the tones in a chord, like the living organisms on this earth, like the mother with the baby stirring in her body." The love of the inner life of the Trinity is written all through it. Creation is a dance!

I want to join that dance! I mean I want to Zac Efron that crap! I honestly want everyone to read this book. I've found so much inspiration and understanding in it. Keller addressed so many of the issues I struggle with. Mainly that Christianity is not a contest to see how moral you can be. You can't save yourself! I had to make a lot of stupid decisions and go through a lot of pain before I truly realized that. Until we center our lives on Christ's forgiveness we won't find happiness.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things is passed away. (Revelation 21:4)

And when we get there, we will say, I've come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I've been looking for all my life, though I never knew it! And it will by no means be the end of our story. In fact, as C.S. Lewis put it, all the adventures we have ever had will end up being only "the cover and the title page." Finally we will begin "Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read, which goes on forever; in which every chapter is better than the one before"

If you're a bird I'm a bird

2009-02-16T22:04:00.000-08:00

This post actually has nothing to do with the notebook, but it does involve birds. Well wait, hold on. I am going to say one thing about the notebook. Just because you slept with some guy in high school next to the dusty piano doesn't mean you can cheat on your fiance. "Oh but we are so in love and love conquers all" No, shut up Allie. You are a whore. I can't tell you how frustrated I was after that movie. I could go on for a while, but I want to tell you about something I found at home a short time ago. I was going through my closet and found my 5th grade time capsule. My 2 readers from Trinity will remember doing this. Mrs. Boswell made us put a few random things in a shoe box and then make a duct tape safe out of it. I mean, my shoe box was a fortress of duct. We weren't supposed to open them until after we graduated high school, and despite my curiosity I made it to graduation without opening it. When I finally opened the box I found a few drawings of the Titanic sinking with Jack being eaten by sharks, and this survey I took. It had all kinds of questions, and most of my answers were fairly standard. For instance my favorite food in 5th grade was popcorn shrimp, and total surprise; video games was one of my favorite hobbies. I've been pwnin n00bs for so long. I had this one answer though that was kind of weird. The question was something to the tune of "if you could be one animal what would it be and why." My answer, "I'd be a bird so I could wee wee on people." For some reason at 10 years old I thought it would totally rock to fly around and pee on people. It wasn't even the flying part I was interested in it was just the urinating on peoples faces that I was stoked about. Luckily I duct taped that joker up for 7 years. I feel like an interest in peeing on people has to be a red flag of some sort.

Crisis Situation

2009-01-29T22:41:00.000-08:00

Warning this post is not funny. If you were looking for some laughs today then quit reading. Ryan and I are about to go through a very dark time. We live here at the Garden District and its kind of a ridiculous place. I have a lot of qualms with the ol GD, but we are only going to talk about this latest act of cruelty. Recently they decided that they were going to switch the internet provider from Charter to a company called Aerowire. We were promised that the internet would be insanely fast; you know all the usual stuff. So of course were stoked about this. If you spend any kind of time with Ryan and I you would know that we play quite a bit of video games online. We pwn n00bs like its our job. For example Gears of War 2 has been out since November 7th, and I've put in 47 hours of online game play. I know what you're thinking ladies. How can one man be so perfect? I'm not sure that I have the answer, but anyway back to my story. Aerowire decides that they are going to broadcast a wireless signal over the Garden District instead of wiring internet to every apartment. Now this is great for using a laptop, but if you have anything that doesn't recieve a wireless signal aka a Xbox 360 you are out of luck. So basically Ryan and I must decide if we are going to buy wireless adapters for our 360s. You would think this would be a no brainer, but Microsoft some how inticipated this move by the Garden District and decided to price their adapter at one hundred stinking dollars! Just to give you some perspective Belkin's most expensive wireless card is 89 bucks, and it even makes you coffee while you wait for pages to load. Unfortunately I think Ryan and I will be without xbox live for 3 months. I'm not sure what we are going to do. I might try to make some real friends or talk to a girl. Probably just make friends though.

Bed selfishness

2009-01-20T15:52:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the other day I was talking with some friends. I really don't remember who I was talking with. I'd love to give them some creds (street creds of course) for this idea, but unfortunately I only care about myself so I forgot them. Anyhow we was talking about marriage, and how you have to share a bed. We decided that idea totally stinks. I mean look, I love a good cuddle session or whatever, but I'm a serious bed hog. I sleep diagonal across my bed, and I don't know how that is supposed to work with another human being in there. The times that I've had friends sleep next to me I feel like I can't move, but eventually they go home to their bed! After you're married though she is home! She's not going back to her place tomorrow night to lay diagonal in her bed. No sir shes hogging all your sheets and stealing your pillows that you've been putting in between your legs so they don't get all sweaty at night. To be honest I'll probably be ok with this bed sharing thing for a while, but after all the passionate married make out sessions are over I want my own bed. I really don't think that is too much to ask. I'll give up whatever else she wants from me, but maybe just twice a week I want to sleep in the guest bed. If shes not ok with that I might just slip her some ambien and just sneak away after shes in deep sleep. I don't know maybe I'm just really selfish. Tell me what ya'll think.

A dilemma

2009-01-06T11:41:00.000-08:00

I have this dilemma. I really enjoy sleeping with my fan on full blast. I've done it for so long. I have these really heavy blankets, and the icy fan turns them into this heavenly land of cotton and warmth. I'm talking about the kind of warmth that reaches all the way to your soul. Not only that but the whirring sound of the fan drowns out the whole world. By whole world I mean Ryan coming downstairs to tell me hes afraid of the dark. Well, now I'm at a point where if I don't have hurricane force winds to lull me, I don't sleep as well. So I what you're thinking whats the problem you? Just leave the fan on right? Sounds easy enough, but the same fan that makes every thing so wonderful at night becomes the greatest evil in the morning. I wake up wrapped in this cocoon of blankets, and I can't get out of bed. I have to battle myself to face the cold. I get little hints of how cold it is on my shoulder and I dread pulling back the covers. I usually end up running to the wall to flip the switch, but I lay in bed forever debating whether or not its even worth it to get up. I do this almost every morning, and I'm not sure what the solution to my problem is.

Cheese dip! I'm eating it.

2009-01-03T23:35:00.000-08:00

I love me some cheese dip. I'm eating it right now. Karen has been pressuring me lately. She wants me to spend more time with her, and not just time; but quality time. She wants insightful updates and meaningful posts all the time. I just don't know if I can live up to her expectations. I don't think she understands the things I go through just to provide for her. I do my best to bring her visitors. I post her link on my facebook, and I tell all my friends about her. Its like she has never heard of give and take. I do all the giving in this relationship and she just takes. When has Karen ever written me something thoughtful? Stinking never that's when. I just want her to know I have feelings too, and sometimes after a hard day of video games and texting Cait I just want to relax. It's hard out there on the virtual battle fields, and texting my way through the friend zone is stressful! I don't want to DTR (delete the relationship) but something needs to change.

I'm lazy

2008-12-21T04:26:00.000-08:00

Good morning. It is entirely too early for me to be up, but I'm with the fam in Jacksonville and pops is about to run a marathon. Actually, he just started running about 30 minutes ago, and will still be running 3 hours from now. Crazy old man. I had a depressing moment about 2 hours ago. My dad was just getting up, and I was still in bed. He was eating breakfast and preparing to run for 4 hours all while I dreamed about flying to the moon in a sleeping bag. I half woke up and thought to myself "I am so lazy." I was briefly inspired to get in shape. I think I even dreamed about running a marathon, but seeing as how I actually am lazy I just continued to lay there. Well, I'm up now, and I think about to get some of that free continental breakfast. We're going to meet dad at the half way point, and again at the finish line. On a side note I wish everyone could see what my mom is wearing. It is a phenominal outfit she picked out. Generally my mom is pretty fashionable, but today she is wearing an orange and brown camo hoodie with black dress pants. It is a sight to behold, but I can't bring myself to tell her that I don't like it. I think she really likes her camo. This is like the third or fourth time I've seen her wear it, and I just don't want to be the bearer of bad news. On the other hand she did tell me that my hair was ratty yesterday. Well that breakfast is callin' my name. I'm out of here.

Shower Dancin'

2008-12-17T20:10:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about Lee Reeves that I think is going to revolutionize your shower time. I was going to say life, but that might be pushin' it. Well here it is, sometimes I dance in the shower. I know a lot of people sing in the shower, and I do that as well, but I'm telling you dancing in the shower is way fun. It's a liberating feeling. It's kinda like dancing in the rain, but warmer and less natural. If you close your eyes though you might be able to pretend well enough. The thing shower dancing has over rain dancing though, is the privacy. There's a stinking shower curtain between you and the world! I mean you could shake your clumsy, money maker all day long in the shower and no one will laugh. They might wonder why you've been in the shower all day, but you won't get made fun of. Plus you can do all different types of dancing without any social restraints. For instance if you're a guy you could do the single ladies dance without having to defend your sexual preference. You see guys do it all the time too. At every dance party there's always one guy who "gets low." I've seen Andrew Mcquaig get real low. Most guys will do it for thirty seconds max, and sometimes one other guy will get behind him. It's weird for everyone involved, but we all laugh anyway. The thing is though, that guy wants to booty dance for more than thirty seconds, and the shower is a wonderful place where that can happen. Plus no one will be weirded out. Well, before you go off shower dancin' I need to give you one very important tip. Mind the soap! I can think of few things more embarrassing than explaining how you fell out of the shower while doing the Cha Cha slide.

Finals...

2008-12-11T17:35:00.000-08:00

Shoot, I haven't posted in a while. I've been studying for these dag-blasted finals. My last one is tomorrow, and I think I'm going to do a real post afterward. Until then I think every should see this video. Props to Jordan Vrbas for showing me that. Oh, and Ryan Courtney is dumb.

Christmas and World Domination

2008-12-03T08:39:00.000-08:00

I realized this morning that Christmas is sneaking up on me. It's getting really stinkin' close. I didn't ask for anything this Christmas. Not because I didn't want anything, but I figured my parents spend quite a bit to send me to school out of state, and I can do without the new High School Musical dvd. However, if I was going to ask for something this Christmas it would definitely be a handgun. (Mom don't click on that) Mostly because I like loud noises and explosions, but also because I'm evil and bent on world domination. Thats right! Now you can read Karen and think, "Wow, not only is Lee funny and insightful, but he's also delightfully evil!" I actually didn't realize how evil I was until I found this gem of a website. You should try it out, you might just find that you're evil too! Here is my evil plan for world domination.

Evil Plan (tm)!

Your objective is simple: World Domination.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: Evil - It's my nature

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first assassinate a pope. This will cause the world to give one another worried looks, terrified by your arrival. Who is this evil genius? Where did he come from? And why does he look so good in classic black?

Stage Two

Next, you must seize control of the united nations. This will all be done from an underground secret headquarters of doom, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will weep uncontrollably, as countless hordes of evil clowns hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must let loose your armies of destruction, bringing about the apocalypse. Your name shall become synonymous with all that is wrong with the world, and no man will ever again dare interrupt your sentences. Everyone will bow before your dashing good looks, and the world will have no choice but to name you evil man of the year.

21st and sarcasm

2008-12-02T20:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I met the arbitrary requirements for drinking alcohol, and it was quite an exciting time for me. Being a raging alcoholic it was always very difficult for me to feed my habit, since I couldn't purchase alcohol legally. I was always having to get sketch balls like Chris Goodson to buy it for me. Dealing with guys like that is such a slimy experience. I walk away feeling dirty, but the aristocrat makes it ok.
note: posts in bold are almost always sarcastic, but I stand by my Goodson comments.

Man, wouldn't a sarcasm font be great? Being a fairly sarcastic individual the lack of voice inflection on the internet has caused me a few problems. I think a significant percentage of my text slash facechat messages have some variation of the phrase, "I'm just kidding!" I'm not real sure what the font should look like, but I was thinking maybe italics in the opposite direction. That would be way cool. There could also be varying degrees of the sarcasm italic. You could determine how sarcastic a statement is just by the degree of slant on the text. Cause you know sometimes when I say stuff like "Anna Benson date me" I'm only half kidding.1 So, I would use only a half slant there. Its like I'm kidding, but only if she says no. Which is usually the case. I guess for now I'll just have to keep apologizing.
1 Note: I'm not kidding.
2 Note: Sorry I keep picking on you Anna!

I don't know what to name this one

2008-11-30T14:47:00.000-08:00

Oh man, this is post number 3 now! I think I can quit counting after this one. Karen and I have been dating for a while now. I don't feel the need to announce our postiversaries anymore. Karen is what I'm calling my blog these days. I kind of hate the word blog, so I decided to give her a name. That way, when I'm writing and somebody calls me up and asks what I'm doing I'll say something like, "Oh, Karen and I are just hangin' out." I figure that sounds slightly cooler than, "Oh, I'm alone in my room blogging." I can only imagine what my grandfather would think I was doing. I say slightly though cause I feel like Karen is a mom name. I could see people getting all confused like "Who is this mom that Lee is hanging out with?" In which case I would admit to blogging cause there are some crazy moms out there. You know I actually went to a baby name website to find a name for Karen, but the first two names I saw were Abebe and Aamu. For real? Aamu? I feel like Aamu would be destined for a life very similar to this guy's (Mom don't click that link). Speaking of my mom shes great. My mom and grandma bought me a suit for my birthday this weekend, and I really like it. I'll be honest though the kid inside me was appalled. He was all like, "You really let us down back there Lee" and I was convicted bad. I wanted to run to Toys-R-Us and pick out 6 new video games, a power rangers toy, and maybe a Hannah Montanna wig. Oh well, the suit looks good I guess. I sent Cait picture messages to get her expert fashion opinion. Grandma and Cait agreed on which shirt I should buy, and they look pretty snazzy most of the time so I trusted their decisions. That was about the only good part of Saturday. I watched the Auburn game later with my dad and I think a part of me died. To make matters worse I went to church in Autauga county where my Grandparents live. Instead of explaining the sermon I'm just gonna show you a picture and leave it at that.

Blog Mission

2008-11-27T22:10:00.001-08:00

So, I'm really enjoying having this blog. I know this is only my second post, but I keep having the same thought in my head "I have to blog about this." I guess I just really enjoy the thought of people reading my pointless ramblings. Well anyway, I've been thinking about what the purpose of my blog is supposed to be. Am I trying to be famous? I don't think so, with all the blogs out there that would be difficult. I mean how am I supposed to compete with a blog like this. Well, if I'm not trying to be famous maybe I just need a place to vent my deep, inner feelings. As fun and gay as that sounds I don't think that is the answer either. So, I've decided that the sole purpose of this blog is to find me more dates. I have a couple scenarios in my head about how this could be accomplished. I sort of imagined Holly Hereth reading my blog (she might be my only reader) at her house. She might laugh at something I wrote and her totally hott roommate Anna Benson would be like

"What are you laughing at Holly?"

and Holly would be all like

"Oh nothing just Lee's blog"

Anna would walk over and start reading and she would think to herself,

"Wow I never knew how funny and insightful Lee is."

But that would be a total lie cause she knows that. She might have just needed reminding or whatever. Anyway, next time she saw me she would be extra flirty, and I would get the hint and ask her on a date. We might date for a few months, but one day I kind of see her saying

"Lee I never liked you. I just like your blog."

She'd probably leave me for some guy from Florida. I mean he could be from any where I just happened to pick Florida. I'd be crushed for a while, but then the scenario would just repeat itself. Eventually someone would like me for me and not just my blog posts, and we would live happily ever after. So yeah, that is the purpose of my blog. Just reelin' in the dates.

Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T12:21:00.000-08:00

Well well, this is my first blog entry. Before I begin I would like to thank Holly and Meagan for always believing in me when I was blogless. I have to admit I'm a little nervous. The whole world (and by world I mean maybe a few hundred people) are going to find out how incredibly bad at grammar I am. In fact, I just found out that grammer is actually spelled grammar. Thank the Lord for wavy red lines. Speaking of thanks, it's thanksgiving! Woohoo! I stinkin' love thanksgiving it's by far my favorite holiday. My whole family headed up to our house for a feast today, and it was a crazy time as usual. I was the only kid though. None of my cousins were here, and I had no one to laugh with when Grandpa insisted on wearing his pajamas to lunch or when in the middle of family, movie time my mom said, "I think I'm getting a urinary tract infection." Maybe that's too much information, but she said it in front of everyone so I figured she wouldn't mind if it was on the intertubes. Sorry mom! Well, anyway I also had no ally when we spent 20 minutes going around the table saying what we were thankful for. The food was sitting right in front of us getting cold! I said I was thankful for food, but no one got the hint. Grandpa said he was thankful for grandchildren who don't drink, and I found that slightly ironic since my 21st birthday is next monday. I should have invited him to my birthday dinner. He would have quite the time I'm sure. Well, this thanksgiving I am thankful for my wonderful grandmother Jettie Mae. She's the best!

and on a more serious note thank God for how wonderful our salvation is! I think its easy to take that for granted especially when we have so much.

Psalm 100

A psalm. For giving thanks.

1 Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

2 Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.

3 Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his ^[a] ;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.

5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.