Monday, April 26, 2010

Masculinity the anti friend zone.

Guys I'm going to tell a story. It's a story that most of you have been the main character in, or at the very least, you've known some of the main characters. It begins like this. Your friend calls you up and says "hey man. Moe's for lunch?" And of course you agree because you love Moe's. You're sitting there munchin your JC when this wavy haired beauty adorned with Ray-Bans walks in. You look up and echoing the Moe's robots you think to yourself, "Welcome to moes indeed." But then to your surprise she sits down at your table. "Omg Craig! I haven't seen you in forever." She knows your bro man Craig. "Oh hey dude this is Callie. We were in the same freshman experience class." You extend your hand for the typical dead fish girl shake, when you notice a living fish tat on her wrist. So you're crushing a little bit. I mean she's pretty hot and that rebellious yet conservative Christian tat adds to her mystique. After a bit of chatting she leaves. As she walks away you catch Craig's eye and reading your mind he says "I know right?"

The weekend rolls by and Monday morning you notice Callie is in your class. Mostly because she came and sat next to you. She seemed to enjoy your company and you take this as an invite to sit with her on Wednesday. Pretty soon sitting with her becomes a routine thing, and you're feeling like a total boss. Then one night at RUF Callie drops a total bomb on you, "Hey we should study anatomy this week." You briefly panic and you're thinking, "Ha. Yeah we should." You play it all cool though and swap numbers.

For a few days you find yourself daydreaming about going to her house, telling that perfect joke, and when there is a lull in her laughter smooching that chick something serious. Unfortunately the sexual tension you believed would turn a study session into a make out session never coalesces. In fact you end up going to the library with her and that guy who is always dipping in class. All hope isn't lost though. Since you two traded numbers she has been texting you quite frequently. You're always happy to talk to her, and you tend to be a good listener anyway. She picks up on this and unloads problems on you all the time. You become her go to guy when that test was "so hard" or when the day just isn't going her way. Now you're thinking this is moving along smoothly. I mean just a few more humidity hair, dropped cell phone, professor was a jerk to me conversations and you're in right? If the universe was fair sir you'd be right, but Callie is about to do the worst of the worst to you. "Thanks so much for talking to me. Gosh you're like a brother to me." Oh excuse me she called you what? That's right man. A brother. How many brothers has she ever dated? Zero.

Where did you go wrong? What happened? You did all the right things. You helped her with her studies, you were her problem solver, and in general you were a good friend. I will agree that these are good things, but you made a critical error early on. You let Callie be in control of the whole thing. You never once became dangerous. You never became a threat to her. There was never a time when as a man you put your foot down and said, "Hey, listening to you is great, but right now you're going to shut up and I'm going to kiss you." You passively stood back and let her emasculate you. She formed an opinion of you that was devoid of masculinity. You were a great listener, but never someone she could date because you weren't a man and she only dates men. Callie is the type of girl that needs a challenge. She might for a time enjoy controlling you, but after a while you're just a toy. The only way you can fix this situation is to commit an act that you can't recover from. You have to put yourself out there in a way that she understand your intentions. Tickle her or something and then just go for it. Sounds crazy but it works for some people. Right Dobbs? If she shoots you down at least you have some dignity in the fact that you stood up for your manhood.

Now I've come up with an analogy about all this. It makes a lot of sense in my head, but I don't know that it totally works. You hear people talk about how they should eat healthy food all the time. You know in your head that for breakfast you should be eating fruits and bran cereal. You make plans to eat healthy and you genuinely think you want to. Honestly though, what would you rather eat? Bacon. Lots of bacon and maybe a giant waffle. This is how girls approach dating. (Stay with me here. I know this is ridiculous) Often times girls talk about how they want a sensitive boy, and I think they genuinely believe that. What they really want though is a man. They may talk about how salads are so good for them, but what they really want for dinner is the kickin chicken sandwich. I can hear you girls complaining. "Uh no way Lee. I can't eat that greasy thing all the time." This is a good point. If you are too much man it will make her sick. I suggest becoming the Turkey Wrap at Amsterdam. Chicks love this sandwich because on the surface it appears healthy, but they cover the thing in honey mustard. Take a cue from the T-Wrap bro. Let her know that you can be sensitive, but make sure she understands that at any moment the man in you might kiss her and she's going to like it.


sugarkaneshane said...

AMEN bro... chicks love chicken sandwiches!! you are right though if you want a girl to be intimate with you, then you have to show her thats what you want. if she doesnt want it you will then know and you can move on to the next one. Fuck bitches, Make money!

zero hero said...

You, my friend, are a genius.