Monday, April 26, 2010

Masculinity the anti friend zone.

Guys I'm going to tell a story. It's a story that most of you have been the main character in, or at the very least, you've known some of the main characters. It begins like this. Your friend calls you up and says "hey man. Moe's for lunch?" And of course you agree because you love Moe's. You're sitting there munchin your JC when this wavy haired beauty adorned with Ray-Bans walks in. You look up and echoing the Moe's robots you think to yourself, "Welcome to moes indeed." But then to your surprise she sits down at your table. "Omg Craig! I haven't seen you in forever." She knows your bro man Craig. "Oh hey dude this is Callie. We were in the same freshman experience class." You extend your hand for the typical dead fish girl shake, when you notice a living fish tat on her wrist. So you're crushing a little bit. I mean she's pretty hot and that rebellious yet conservative Christian tat adds to her mystique. After a bit of chatting she leaves. As she walks away you catch Craig's eye and reading your mind he says "I know right?"

The weekend rolls by and Monday morning you notice Callie is in your class. Mostly because she came and sat next to you. She seemed to enjoy your company and you take this as an invite to sit with her on Wednesday. Pretty soon sitting with her becomes a routine thing, and you're feeling like a total boss. Then one night at RUF Callie drops a total bomb on you, "Hey we should study anatomy this week." You briefly panic and you're thinking, "Ha. Yeah we should." You play it all cool though and swap numbers.

For a few days you find yourself daydreaming about going to her house, telling that perfect joke, and when there is a lull in her laughter smooching that chick something serious. Unfortunately the sexual tension you believed would turn a study session into a make out session never coalesces. In fact you end up going to the library with her and that guy who is always dipping in class. All hope isn't lost though. Since you two traded numbers she has been texting you quite frequently. You're always happy to talk to her, and you tend to be a good listener anyway. She picks up on this and unloads problems on you all the time. You become her go to guy when that test was "so hard" or when the day just isn't going her way. Now you're thinking this is moving along smoothly. I mean just a few more humidity hair, dropped cell phone, professor was a jerk to me conversations and you're in right? If the universe was fair sir you'd be right, but Callie is about to do the worst of the worst to you. "Thanks so much for talking to me. Gosh you're like a brother to me." Oh excuse me she called you what? That's right man. A brother. How many brothers has she ever dated? Zero.

Where did you go wrong? What happened? You did all the right things. You helped her with her studies, you were her problem solver, and in general you were a good friend. I will agree that these are good things, but you made a critical error early on. You let Callie be in control of the whole thing. You never once became dangerous. You never became a threat to her. There was never a time when as a man you put your foot down and said, "Hey, listening to you is great, but right now you're going to shut up and I'm going to kiss you." You passively stood back and let her emasculate you. She formed an opinion of you that was devoid of masculinity. You were a great listener, but never someone she could date because you weren't a man and she only dates men. Callie is the type of girl that needs a challenge. She might for a time enjoy controlling you, but after a while you're just a toy. The only way you can fix this situation is to commit an act that you can't recover from. You have to put yourself out there in a way that she understand your intentions. Tickle her or something and then just go for it. Sounds crazy but it works for some people. Right Dobbs? If she shoots you down at least you have some dignity in the fact that you stood up for your manhood.

Now I've come up with an analogy about all this. It makes a lot of sense in my head, but I don't know that it totally works. You hear people talk about how they should eat healthy food all the time. You know in your head that for breakfast you should be eating fruits and bran cereal. You make plans to eat healthy and you genuinely think you want to. Honestly though, what would you rather eat? Bacon. Lots of bacon and maybe a giant waffle. This is how girls approach dating. (Stay with me here. I know this is ridiculous) Often times girls talk about how they want a sensitive boy, and I think they genuinely believe that. What they really want though is a man. They may talk about how salads are so good for them, but what they really want for dinner is the kickin chicken sandwich. I can hear you girls complaining. "Uh no way Lee. I can't eat that greasy thing all the time." This is a good point. If you are too much man it will make her sick. I suggest becoming the Turkey Wrap at Amsterdam. Chicks love this sandwich because on the surface it appears healthy, but they cover the thing in honey mustard. Take a cue from the T-Wrap bro. Let her know that you can be sensitive, but make sure she understands that at any moment the man in you might kiss her and she's going to like it.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Pre Post

I've been starting these last few posts with a little introduction, and why should this one be any different?So, I'm writing a pre-post if you will. I've got some stuff I'd like to splain before we get rolling here. I've started writing the "one of the guys" post at least five times. Every time I get something up on the screen I begin to hate it. Mostly because I realized I don't know much about females and I'm not sure why I thought I could write a series of posts explaining them to other males. "Oh but Lee your last post was so good. You like totally get girls" No, shut up. Let me put it this way. For the past 22 years I've seen the sun rise and set everyday. I know tomorrow around 7 when I get up the sun will be there, and late tomorrow while I'm frying chicken it's going to set again. Now, I do not "get" the sun, but it didn't take me very long to notice a pattern. I'd like to thank ol G.K. for that analogy. You might be thinking, "Well hold on pal. If girls were as predictable as the sun I'd have bagged at least 2 or 3 by now." Good point. I'm glad you brought that up because I wasn't sure how to make this next transition. Girls are dynamic. Each one may approach or respond to situations differently, but there are some patterns to be picked up on. So, I think metaphorically throwing your hands in the air, and declaring you "just can't understand women" is an easy way out. It's fun culturally to act as if women are completely unknowable, but it's a mind set that will get you plenty of time in the dog house or on the couch. Whichever trouble with the old lady phrase you prefer. Who knows, I'll probably be in my fifties sleeping on the couch and realize that I still don't know anything about females, but at least I made an attempt. Ok so, why did I just write a pre-post on patterns? I'll tell you why sir. I've noticed a pattern of girls misinterpreting innocent statements as something malicious. This next post is about friendship and I want every girl reading this to know; just because we aren't dating does not mean I resent you as a friend. Unless of course, I wish we were dating and you've got me locked in the friend zone. (I'd like to thank Ross Geller for popularizing that term.) Expect part 2 in the next few days.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Warning Signs

Guys, last time I gave you some advice on what I deemed to be a serious mistake in attracting the females, and after receiving some compliments on my post I feel pretty confident in that advice. So, in the next few posts I'm going to continue in the John Madden style commentating. It's going to be a little different though. Instead of giving you proactive advice I'm going to give you a few things to avoid. By "things" I mean dangerous, dangerous females; females who want to drain the very soul from your body. I'm giving you this advice because these women can be hard to spot. They're like a succubus wrapped in jeggings with an Ugg boot fur trim, but don't be fooled young soldier these women are more deadly than a bear with chainsaw hands.

Miss Perma-girlfriend

You know this girl. She has had a boyfriend since 5th grade, right after Ralph got his cootie shot and laid one on her. She jumps from relationship to relationship and if she isn't in one; you can believe she's looking for the next "one." And oh joy! You could be Mr. 22 on her list. Doesn't that just sound appealing? "Ah but Lee" you say, "she's super cute man. She's got this awesome black and white profile pic and she listens to my favorite band the obscures." Well first of all, that band sucks and of course she's cute dude. She has to be at least moderately attractive to pull off the perma-girlfriend. Plus, the last guy fell for her pop art pictures and look where he ended up. "Well Mr. 21 wasn't me. That guy was a total dweeb, and he played way too much Call of Duty." Oh really? You think the UMP45 was the problem? Well sir I'm going to let you in on a little secret, and I mean this in the most cliche way possible. It's not you it's her. This chick isn't remotely interested in the boys she dates. She is totally self absorbed. She isn't comfortable with herself and she needs a boyfriend to make her feel adequate. There is nothing you can do that will make this girl happy. Listen bro, I know how awesome you are. I mean you're a guy and lets be honest we are pretty awesome, but she has some deep longings you could never fill. You're basically just a roll of duct tape she is going to plaster all over her life. If you know anything about fixing things with duct tape then you'll know it takes a lot of stinkin' duct tape. Eventually that roll is going to be used up. See what I'm getting at?

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Text Love

I'm going to preface this post with a little warning.

Taking dating advice from someone who is not dating could be hazardous to your interactions with the opposite sex.

I figured I should at least caution my readers. Seeing as how I'm not dating anyone you might think I don't know much, and while this is true; I'd like to point out that John Madden never played football professionally, but has commentated on it for 30 years. He even has a football video game named after him. So, I feel moderately qualified to state a few observations about dating. I must admit though this piece of advice is not entirely my own. I get most of my ideas from Jared Lacroix, and generally I can get away with claiming them as my own since we live 3 hours apart.

Like most guys I become a babbling idiot in the presence of an attractive female, and by attractive I don't just mean she's got a smokin' bod. I mean she has the whole thing going on. The "whole thing" varies from bro to bro, but for me intelligence, sarcasm, and similar tastes go a long way. For instance I may find a female visually appealing, but if my simple jokes are going over her head and her favorite movie is Crossroads; then talking to her becomes more of a game than anything else. By the way, I'm not going to apologize if your favorite movie is Crossroads. On the other hand, the whole thing girl makes me a nervous wreck. This nervousness usually surfaces as not being able to say anything or sometimes it surfaces as saying way too much. Either way it becomes very difficult to exude the confidence it generally takes to attract the whole thing girl. "Ok great Lee, you've told us how you like intelligent girls. Way to make yourself look so deep. Stop pandering and give us the advice." Here it is bro dogs. Stop texting her. You know that three day conversation you've been having via text? Quit it. If you want any future with this chick you'll put an end to the texting. Why? Because it's a cop out. It's an escape from manning up and actually talking to her face to face. Rejection is a scary thing, and texting allows you to communicate without consequences. Well, at least any initial consequences. You're building a text based relationship, and this refers to most non physical interactions like face chat. The problem with this relationship is the false image you get of this female. When you read her text you get to place any kind of tone or meaning on the words that you want. You start thinking that you're getting along very well, but you aren't even interacting. Texting allows you to craft the perfect message. You could spend several minutes thinking up the wittiest response to her every question, but it's not witty if you had to google "how to have a witty conversation." (Step 2 is pretty hilarious) Once you've built the text relationship it becomes difficult to interact in real life. The awkward silences that must be filled in real life don't exist in the text world. When you hang out in real life you're going to be disappointed, maybe even frustrated because she isn't the same person you've been texting. Mainly because that person doesn't exist. You've crafted a view of this girl that she may not be able to live up to in person.

Dudes, texting should be a supplemental flirting tool only. Occasionally send her a message about that totally hilarious conversation you had the other night. But you can only do that if you actually had the conversation. I'm preaching to myself when I say this, but it's time to get courageous and ask her to hang out for realz.

He can only get away from death by continually stepping within an inch of it. A soldier surrounded by enemies, if he is to cut his way out, needs to combine a strong desire for living with a strange carelessness about dying. He must not merely cling to life, for then he will be a coward, and will not escape. He must not merely wait for death, for then he will be a suicide, and will not escape. He must seek his life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; he must desire life like water and yet drink death like wine.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Fake Love

So recently Ryan, Alex, and I were hanging out. We were having all kinds of fun lots of laughs and a good time was being had by all. Almost simultaneously we all realized that this should never end. This type of comraderie is once in a life time. So we came up with a plan. Marry each others' sisters. The following conversation is my first attempt at winning Logan Baker over.

Lee Reeves November 18 at 10:42pm
Dear Logan,

I’m writing you today with a proposal. Something that has been on my mind quite a while now. I think that you and I should date, and eventually be married. (I told you this was a proposal) Yes, I know this may come as a shock to you especially since we have not spoken in a while. However, I am very convinced this is the right decision, and hopefully by the end of this letter you will be too. I’ll start by reminding you that when you were in 7th grade we had the same chorus class. If you recall we often flirted during this class. Of course it was middle school, but one cannot deny the intense connection we shared. I know some where deep down you think about this from time to time. Obviously we’ve changed since then, but 21 is just 12 backwards only way better. For instance I no longer put gel in my hair, and if you like you could style my hair any way you want. I’ve also become a much less picky eater, and I’ll eat anything you bring home from your future culinary classes. I’ll even make you laugh while I eat it. Occasionally I make people laugh. Just imagine you’re having a hard day at school. That jerk, chef professor won’t cut you any slack, but when you get home I’ll devour that torta rustica and tell you a knock knock joke. Then, knowing you need a something fun to look forward to I’ll buy you and your girl friends Justin Nozuka tickets. I won’t even mind if you dance on stage with him as long as you agree to travel to Brazil with me in the summer. I know you love to travel, and so do I. I know what you’re thinking though, “Lee, how will you ever have the money for Nozuka tickets and Brazil?” Well Logan, I will have an excellent business degree after I graduate from Auburn. I know that money isn’t everything, but thats why I give a mean back scratch. Not to mention if you need some jewelry I have perfected the art of macaroni necklaces. I might even propose with a mac and cheese engagement ring. Then we could elope because true love shouldn’t be a show for the world, but we could shout out our love from the roof tops if we so desire. Now Logan I know you have to be thinking “Lee, this seems like the most perfect plan ever. What’s the catch?” I was afraid you would ask this, but I’m going to be honest with you. I am not actually in love with you. Recently Alex, Ryan (my roommate), and I were planning how we could hang out forever. We decided marrying each others sisters would be the perfect way to accomplish this. I understand this could be a deal breaker. Why would you want to be a with a guy who only pretends to love you? I’ll tell you why. Because eventually every guy will be pretending. When he realizes that, he might just leave, but since I’ve always known that I’m pretending I won’t leave. You will have someone who seems to care for you in a deep way forever. I promise you won’t be able to tell a difference. Think about it. I’ll always put up with the stuff that annoys me. I’ll apologize every time I’m wrong no questions asked. We can decorate the house any way you want. Basically you will have it all. Just say yes.

With (fake) love,
Lee Reeves

Logan Baker November 19 at 8:37am
Dear Lee,

While I appreciate the (fake) sentiments and the obvious thought you've put into this plan, I'm afraid I cannot accept your proposal. Instead of just blowing you off like most girls would, I will include substantial support in my argument against this idea us marrying.

In 7th grade, I was (trying) to flirt with Tyler McMullen. Megan Castleberry and I thought he was quite the "hottie," so I offer my deepest condolences for your misinterpretation of my juvenile attempts at capturing his interest.

As far as culinary school goes, I'm going for patisserie and baking, and I don't remember seeing meat-filled pastries in the curriculum; therefore, I will not be making torta rustica, and you would either have to go hungry or risk becoming diabetic after eating my sugary assignments each night. Going along with that, I think jokes are highly overrated. If you bought me tickets to see Justin Nozuka and he asked me to dance on stage with him, I'm pretty sure that would lead him to eventually propose to me, too. I would accept, and we would all have to move to Utah for that to work out. Utah is a little too cold for my taste, so I would end up leaving you pretty quickly and running away with Justin. Maybe we would even run away to Brazil, just for the sheer irony of it all.

When it comes to jewelry, I prefer turquoise. Everyone knows mac & cheese is not, nor will it ever be, turquoise. I know it's been said that if you like it you should put a ring on it, but what isn't often mentioned is that you can't put the ring on it if she doesn't like it. Make sense?

So even though I think your little plan is clever, I just don't think it's going to work out. It's so nice to know that no man will ever truly love me; Disney ruined that truth for me when I was little, and I guess the Bible lied to me as well. Thank you for your honesty.

And I hear our niece, Emerson, is still on the market. She's two, so you might have to work on potty-training her and teaching her not to eat her mac & cheese ring.

(Not) sincerely,
Logan Baker

P.S. you're kind of weird.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Dude no big deal

I'm leaving for Africa tomorrow. Yep yep yep. I'm going to be honest I don't fully comprehend how far I will be traveling. For instance I'm leaving Atlanta at 6:20 tomorrow evening, and I won't arrive in Timbuktu for another 36 hours. That totally overwhelms me. Ol google maps said I'll be traveling like 6000 miles. Ryan's room is maybe 50 feet from mine and most of the time that's way too far. Speaking of Ryan I promised that zubat this post would be funny. Seeing as how I might not update for a while, he and some others felt that this one should be particularly funny. The thing is I feel like I'm getting typecast. What if I want to do some serious roles one day? Like Robin Williams in One Hour Photo. I would make a great stalker. I'm more than just a pretty face and someone to laugh at you know. Oh and speaking of stalking, I found my new favorite show on tv. I happen to flip the channel from the murder mysteries on Oxygen (which totally rule) and I stumbled upon Everyday Italian hosted by Giada De Laurentiis. The woman is pulchritudinous, and to answer your question yes, I googled synonyms for beautiful. Stinking, I can barely microwave a hotdog, but I watched a whole episode of Everyday Italian. To answer your other question yes, I can cook Pasta Ponza now. I realize this is creepy, but I've come to terms with that. I think this crush is warranted though. Shes hot and she cooks what more could my little chauvinist self ask for? I mean, I will bring home the bacon if she'll cook it. Right, well on that awful note I might need to end this post. One last thing though, please please pray for us and for Timbuktu. Specifically pray that the people will be receptive to what we have to say, and pray that we don't mess anything up. I know God has some awesome things planned for the people and for our group.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Bacon wrapped bacon

I absolutely love bacon. I just ate breakfast at Chef's Table in the student center, and I need to proclaim my love for bacon. Honestly how cool is breakfast? Breakfast has no problems with just handing you bacon and calling it a meal. Its like "Hello friend I love you, here is some bacon by itself." Lunch and dinner on the other hand think they're too good for solo bacon. They make you put it on a sandwich or even worse they make you eat bacon bits. Listen dinner I don't want bacon bits. I want huge slices of bacon in my salad with extra bacon on the side. Actually I don't even want the salad. I just want bacon wrapped in bacon smothered with a creamy bacon sauce.